Riddles

Just A Bunch Of Riddles

How do parachutists break up with their boyfriends?
* They drop them *

What demands an answer without asking a question?
* A telephone *

What is a tree's favorite drink?
* Root beer *

What does the Invisible Man drink at snacktime?
* Evaporated milk *

What kind of shoes do spies wear?
* Sneakers *

What kind of exam do you give a dog?
* A pup quiz *

When is a child not its father's son?
* When it's his daughter *

What brand of toilet paper does Sleeping Beauty use?
* Prince Charmin *

If carpenters measure with yardsticks, what do sailors measure with?
* Fishsticks *

Was Rome built in a day?
* No - it was built in Italy *

What is a frog's favorite year?
* Leap year *

Why do pens get sent to prison?
* To do long sentences *

Who are the happiest people on a football field?
* The cheerleaders *

What likes to spend the summer in a fur coat and the winter in a wool bathing suit?
* A moth *

What roof is always wet?
* The roof of your mouth *

What fish tastes good with cream?
* A jelly fish *

Christmas Riddles
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
* It's Christmas, Eve! *

What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents?
* Silent Night *

When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
* In the dictionary *

What did the window cleaner's wife get for Christmas?
* A ladder in her stocking *

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
* The letter 'D' *

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
* A Merry Christmas to Ewe! *

What do you get when you cross a pirate with Santa Claus?
* Yo ho ho ho! *

What do computerized bears do in the winter?
* They cybernate *

What city doesn't have crime in the streets?
* Venice - it's all in the canals *

What do you call a fish with four eyes?
* Fiiiish *

Which hand should you use to stir tea?
* Neither - it's best to use a spoon *

Where do old bowling balls end up?
* In the gutter *

What wears a sock on its bottom?
* Your leg *

If you take half from a half dollar, what do you have?
* a dollar *

What letter ends everything?
* g *

What's the coolest part of the human body?
* The hip *

What table is made of paper and has no legs?
* A timetable *

What can knit without a needle and thread?
* A spider *

Which of Noah's animals didn't come in pairs?
* The worms - they came in apples *

When can you step on blades with bare feet and not cut yourself?
* When they're blades of grass *

What kind of soda can't you drink?
* Baking soda *

What metal can't feel anything?
* Aluminumb *

What is the most unpleasant boat to travel on?
* A hardship *

What cup can't you drink from?
* A hiccup *

When can six big people fit under one little umbrella and not get wet?
* When it's not raining *

What do models eat off?
* Fashion plates *

What has shoulders and a neck but no arms, legs or head?
* A T-shirt *

How do surfers greet each other?
* With a tidal wave *

What's the most important use for cowhide?
* It keeps the cow together *

What happens to stupid princes?
* They get throne out *

What paper makes the best kite?
* Flypaper *

What is hot all year round?
* Mustard *

What beam weighs the least?
* A light beam *

What makes windows unable to see?
* Blinds *

How can you cross a ridge?
* Add a 'B' to it *

What has many rings but no fingers?
* A telephone *

What do you call a small Indian guitar?
* A baby sitar *

What's taken before you get it?
* Your picture *

I have a hand but can't clap. What am I?
* A clock *

What do you call a sheep farm with only rams?
* Ewes-less *

What part of a car keeps your hands warm during winter?
* The glove compartment *

What is a billow?
* What you sleep on when you have a bad cold *

What do you call Palm Springs in November?
* Palm Falls *

Which mountain is always sleeping?
* Mount Everest *

What goes through the house but never touches a thing?
* A voice *

What travels around the earth without using a single drop of fuel?
* The moon *

What is the greatest operation on record?
* Lancing Michigan *

What do you call two ants in an ant farm?
* Pair-ants *

Why does a man with very little money buy a short coat?
* It will be long before he gets another *

What Olympic Games is for only two people?
* The Pair-Olympics *

What book has the most people in it?
* A telephone book *

Where does success come before work?
* In the dictionary *

How do sailors break up with their girlfriends?
* They drift apart *

I've got six arms, five heads, three eyes, and two noses. What am I?
* A liar *

How can one person sit where it makes it impossible for a second person to sit?
* That person sits on the second person's lap *

What can't you do to an egg?
* Unscramble it *

What do you get when you cross a wedding with a cliff?
* A marriage that is on the rocks *

The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it, and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
* A coffin *

What do mummies wear on Halloween?
* Cos-tombs *

What would you get if you put butter on your mattress?
* A bed spread *

What rises and waves all day?
* A flag *

What can run across the floor but has no arms or legs?
* Water *

How can you tell a tourist in New York?
* They're the only ones who stop at red lights *

What does a sheep put over a lightbulb?
* A lamb shade *

What is no higher than the ground, yet you can't jump over it?
* Your shadow *

What has ears but can't hear a thing?
* A cornfield *

How do you make a horse fast?
* Stop feeding him *

What is a ringleader?
* The first one into the tub *

Why didn't the fireplace burn too well?
* It's hearth wasn't in it *

What's the angriest part of a goal?
* The crossbar *

I'm full of people but no one's inside. What am I?
* A television *

I run all day long but never leave your house. What am I?
*A refrigerator *

What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose?
* Bicycle petals *

How do you make metric coffee?
* In a percoliter *

Which is the largest sea?
* The Galax-sea *

Where do Siamese twins sleep?
* In double beds *

What do you call a knife that cuts four loaves of bread at a time?
* A four-loaf cleaver *

What type of bean doesn't grow in a garden?
* A jellybean *

Why is my wife a magnetic person?
* Everything she picks up, she charges *

Why did the turtle take assertiveness training?
* He wanted to come out of his shell *

What type of shirt should oarsmen yachters wear?
* A crew neck *

How do you turn a beagle into a bird?
* Remove the “b.” *

What has eight wheels but carries only one passenger?
* A pair of roller skates *

What has a neck but no head?
* A bottle *

What's round on both sides and high in the middle?
* Ohio *

Why does time fly?
* To get away from all the people who are trying to kill it *

What is the weather forecast for Afghanistan?
* Bomb-y *

I have a bed but no sheets or pillows. What am I?
* A flower garden *

What's the difference between a rich man and a poor man?
* Zeroes *

From what kind of dish does a car eat?
* A license plate *

Where do children grow?
* In a kindergarten *

What do you lose every time you stand up?
* Your lap *

Where can you find misleading books?
* In a lie-brary *

From what dairy do people in the Sahara Desert get their milk?
* From a dromedary *

What is the hungriest part of a goal?
* The goalmouth *

What do you call wood that has nothing to play with?
* Board *

What does the richest person in the world make for dinner every night?
* Reservations *

Why are diapers like $20 bills?
* Because you have to change them *

How can you place a pencil on the floor so that no one can jump over it?
* Put it next to the wall *

What is the puppet show for senior citizens?
* The Paunch and Judy show *

What makes a road broad?
* The letter 'B' *

What bird resembles a toup?e?
* A hair-on (heron) *

What bar is dangerous to run into?
* An iron bar *

What's the best way to carve wood?
* Whittle by whittle *

What glass buildings do Canadians like best?
* eh-triums *

What is the biggest jewel in the world?
* A baseball diamond *

What do you call people who watch other people diet?
* Weight Watchers *

What can you serve but never eat?
* A tennis ball *

How do you charge a battery?
* With a credit card *

Where do timid farmers sit at a lamb auction?
* In the cheap sheeps *

Which vegetable goes bad the quickest?
* A car-rot *

Why do bankers go to art school?
* They like to draw interest *

What's a computer's favorite junk food?
* Micro-chips *

Who changed King Tut's diapers?
* His mummy *

Where can you always find health, wealth and happiness?
* In the dictionary *

What happened when a couple tried to kiss in dense fog?
* They mist *

Why are lions holy creatures?
* They're always preying *

Spell extra wise in two letters.
* YY *

What speaks every language?
* An echo *

Why did the house call for a Doctor?
* It had window panes *

What country makes you shiver?
* Chile *

What cat sells wood?
* A cat-a-log *

When is it safe to touch a lion?
* When it's a dande-lion *

What can turn a lad into a lady?
* The letter 'Y' *

What is the biggest thing that can get through a lock?
* A ship *

How do you top a car?
* Tep on the brake, toopid! *

What's round and mean?
* A vicious circle *

How can you tell twin witches apart?
* It's not easy to tell which witch is which *

What letter is always surprised?
* G! *

I am forever, and yet was never. What am I?
* Eternity *

What ant lives in a house?
* An occupant *

What type of snake is good at sums?
* An adder *

Why does a dog dress warmer in summer than in winter?
* In the winter he wears a fur coat; in summer he wears a coat and pants *

What has a man's name, is as small as a mouse, and wears a red jacket?
* A robin *

What do you call a Star Wars soft drink?
* A Yoda soda *

When is the invisible man visible?
* When he has a child, he's a-parent *

Where can you find a rubber trumpet?
* In an elastic band *

What kind of Indians does Dracula like?
* Full-blooded ones *

What do you call a flying ape?
* A hot-air baboon *

If a lawyer slipped and hurt himself at a pool, what kind of case would he have?
* A bathing suit *

How do you make a hot dog shiver?
* Cover it with chili beans *

What fish have the worst odor?
* Smelt *

Why do bakers always need dough?
* Because they knead it *

What happens when corn catches a cold?
* It gets an ear ache *

What does a messy flea need?
* A lousekeeper *

How does taking a ferry boat change people for the worse?
* It makes them cross *

What is the best way to kill time?
* Work it to death *

How do you turn a sparrow into a weapon?
* Remove the 's' and the 'p' *

What kind of raft melts in water?
* An ice cream float *

What is everyone in the world doing at the same time?
* Growing older *

What tree has many friends?
* A poplar tree *

What ship praises God?
* Worship *

What is two-thirds of a pun?  or   What do skunks and partial puns have in common?
* P.U. *

What kind of toys does a psychiatrist's child play with?
* Mental blocks *

What do bees brush their hair with?
* Honeycombs *

What star is dangerous?
* A shooting star *

What best-selling book can you purchase at a Christian bookstore?
* The Buy-ble *

A camper fell out of a canoe into the middle of the lake.
He neither swam nor sank. How could that be?
* He floated *

How many feet are in a yard?
* It depends on how many people there are in the yard *

What kinds of stockings to baseball players like to wear?
* Stockings with runs in them *

What metal do robbers use to break into houses?
* Steal *

Is Helena Nome?
* Idaho, Alaska *

How do you kill tortellini?
* Spray them with pastacide *

What kind of pool has no water?
* A carpool *

What has teeth but never goes to the Dentist?
* A comb *

When is a cigar like fish?
* When it is smoked *

What is very dark yet has done the most to enlighten the world?
* Ink *

Where is the best place to look for a helping hand?
* At the end of your arm *

What is the poorest plant?
* A vine, because it can't support itself *

Do you know how long goats should be milked?
* Same as short ones *

What is another name for a juvenile delinquent?
* Child hood *

Which letter of the alphabet is drunk?
* The wobble-you *

I hold your hand but we're not dating. What am I?
* A glove *

What do you call a daredevil flier who makes an emergency landing in the Grand Canyon?
* An ace in the hole *

How can you go down from the top of a mountain without first going up?
* Be born at the top *

What did the tree get his girlfriend for her birthday?
* A fir coat *

How does the earth fish?
* With North and South Poles *

When can you go as fast as a race car?
* When you're inside it *

What happens when you ask an oyster a personal question?
* It clams up *

How does a deaf fish hear?
* With a herring aid *

What fish only swims at night?
* A starfish *

What bulls hide on a riverbank waiting to charge at you?
* Bullrushes *

What happened to the man who took a 100-foot dive into a glass of ginger ale?
* Nothing - it was a soft drink *

How do you catch an electric eel?
* With a lightning rod *

Where was food first made in Newfoundland?
* In the Garden of Eat'En *

In Newfoundland, what do you call a flying ant?
* A cormorant *

The Joe-kster bets Ryan $200 that he can predict the score of the hockey game before it starts.
Ryan agrees, but loses the bet. Why did Ryan lose the bet?
* The Joe-kster said the score would be 0-0 and he was right: 'Before' any hockey games starts, the score is always 0-0 *

How can you get a bargain on a boat?
* Buy a sale boat *

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
* Buy a deck of cards *

How are cities dressed?
* With outskirts *

What do chocolate coffee & men have in common?
* They're all better rich *

What is the best way to raise strawberries?
* With a spoon *

What has a head and a foot, but no arms?
* A bed *

What room in a house is most dangerous for men?
* The bathroom - where they have so many close shaves *

What becomes smaller when you add two letters?
* Small *

How can you carry water in a sieve?
* Make it into a block of ice first *

During naptime, why did the teacher call the police to take Little Johnny to the police station?
* Because he was resisting a rest *

What does a dead battery cost?
* Nothing - it's free of charge *

Where is the best place to see a man-eating fish?
* In a seafood restaurant *

Two birds were at sea when one of them got caught in an oil spill.
The bird in the oil spill could eat, but the other one went hungry. Why?
* The oily bird gets the worm *

Why is an empty purse always the same?
* Because there is never any change in it *

Why was six unhappy?
* Because seven eight nine *

A man opened a piece of furniture and a dozen people fell out. How could that be?
* It was a missing persons bureau *

Why didn't the horse draw a cart?
* Because it couldn't hold the pencil *

What is never built to scale?
* Prison walls *

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
* A cloud *

What gets harder to catch the faster you run?
* Your breath *

What is a bathtub's favorite dessert?
* A cake of soap *

What's in the middle of the sun?
* The letter 'U' *

What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
* Nothing - it just let out a little wine *

What's the name of a fellow who always knows what to do until it happens to him?
* A philosopher *

What's the definition of a will?
* A dead giveaway *

What's the difference between a mental institution and a college?
* In a mental institution you must show improvement to get out *

What do builders write on?
* Construction paper *

When is the ocean friendliest?
* When it waves *

Where is a lake deepest?
* On the bottom *

What is a computer's first sign of old age?
* Loss of memory *

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
* Because then the children have to play inside *

What are metric cookies?
* Gram crackers *

What makes music on your head?
* A head band *

What bush makes you think of a massage?
* a Sh-rub *

What African animal has two male names?
* a JackAl *

What happened to the two bedbugs who fell in love?
* They got married in the spring *

How does a fireplace feel?
* Grate *

What runs but never gets out of breath?
* Water *

What has only one hand?
* An arm *

What grows larger the more you take away?
* A hole *

Why did the worm oversleep?
* It didn't want to be caught by the early bird *

What stretches to steal things?
* A rubber band-it *

When is it correct to to say, “I is?”
* "I is the letter after H." *

When is it socially correct to serve milk in a saucer?
* When you give it to a cat *

Which conjunction do you need in a rowboat?
* An or *

What does Tinker Bell use to fry eggs?
* A Peter Pan *

Why is a garden like a story?
* They both have plots *

What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
* Picket *

What does a ship weigh before it leaves port?
* It weighs anchor *

What is a minister doing when he rehearses his sermon?
* Practicing what he preaches *

Who are the best letter writers?
* Fishermen - they'll always drop you a line *

What kind of beat do mathematicians like to dance to?
* Logarithms *

What food is essential to good music?
* Beets *

Why was Snow White a good judge?
* She was the fairest in the land *

What stone is highly thought of in the sky?
* A rock star *

What plant is a cat?
* A dande-lion *

I have six eyes, two mouths, and three ears. What am I?
* Ugly *

What nine letter English word is still a word when each of the nine letters are removed one by one?
* Startling - Sequentially remove letters l,t,a,r,t,g,s,n: Starting Staring String Sting Sing Sin In I *

Which airplane stares at its passengers?
* A leer jet *

How can you change a pumpkin into another vegetable?
* Throw it down to the ground and it becomes squash *

Which vegetable is found in the alphabet?
* Pea *

Which U.S. state has a last name?
* Miss Issippi *

What can you catch with your hands tied?
* A cold *

How do sailors send packages to their families?
* They ship them *

What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
* A water bed *

What Roman Numeral can climb a wall?
* IV (ivy) *

How can a man be 6 feet tall and short at the same time?
* When he is short of money *

Why did the doughnut maker go bankrupt?
* He couldn't get out of the hole *

What geometric figure is always correct?
* A right angle *

What contains the most vitamins?
* A health food store *

What plants are the most greedy?
* Weeds - give them an inch and they'll take a yard *

What sport is played on a carpet?
* Rug-by *

What nation does creativity come from?
* Your imagi-nation *

What size soap do judges use?
* The trial size *

Which burns longer, candles on a cake or candles on a table?
* They both burn shorter, not longer *

What do tailors do when they get tired?
* They press on *

Why is a sinking ship like a person in jail?
* Because it needs bailing out *

If you put an income tax on income, and a property tax on property, what kind of tax do you put on chairs?
* Thumbtacks *

What do dogs fear most at the vet?
* Getting a cat-scan *

What doesn't exist but has a name?
* Nothing *

What's quicker than a fish?
* The one who catches it *

What do computers and race cars have in common?
* They can crash *

What does a library book wear whenever it leaves the building?
* A pager *
How can you jump off a 50-foot ladder without getting hurt?
* Jump off the bottom rung *

What time is it when a pie is equally divided among four hungry boys?
* A quarter to one *

What swings while it writes?
* A pen-dulum *

How did the man take the road less traveled?
* He changed his name to Les *

How did the chimpanzee escape from his cage?
* He used a monkey wrench *

What kind of keys do children like to eat?
* Coo-kies *

How do you sell calendars?
* Day by day *

What type of sandals do frogs wear?
* Open toad *

Why did the pig become an actor?
* He was a ham *

What must you be to climb a mountain?
* Inclined *

What injury do bullfighters get?
* Spain-ed ankles *

What do you call a man when a Marine sits on him?
* A submarine *

Where do computers keep their money?
* In memory banks *

What is the saddest picture?
* A blueprint *

What can turn a duet into a trio?
* One too many *

What do beekeepers come down with?
* Hives *

What is the least dangerous kind of robbery?
* Safe robbery *

If we breathe oxygen in the daytime, what do we breathe at night?
* Nitrogen *

How do you sell Spanish classes?
* Juan to Juan (one to one) *

Why is lightning so hard to catch?
* Because it bolts *

What letter should you avoid?
* The letter 'A' because it makes men mean *

What’s made of chocolate and is found on a sea bed?
* An oyster egg *

What do you call a clever girl who is an expert ballroom dancer?
* Waltzing Matilda *

What’s French for ‘I am an Australian’?
* Moi Aussi *

How do you turn light chocolate into dark chocolate?
* Turn the light off *

What is appropriate material for an inventor to wear?
* Patent leather *

What can you break without touching it?
* A promise *

What flies without wings, propellers or jets?
* Time *

What do people in clock factories do all day?
* They make faces *

What drink always needs things repeated?
* What-er *

What do you take to get into dental school?
* An oral exam *

What kind of storm is very spicy?
* A Thai-phoon *

How is a telephone like arithmetic?
* One mistake and you get the wrong number *

What kind of bars can't keep prisoners in jail?
* Chocolate bars *

What kind of physician comes from Egypt?
* A Cairo-practor *

When will a mathematician die?
* When his number is up *

Why is a boat the cheapest form of transportation?
* Because it runs on water *

What kind of math can you teach to cows?
* Cow-culus *

What pet is found in most cars?
* A car-pet *

Which nail does a carpenter hate to hit?
* A thumbnail *

Where do you buy doors?
* At a dor-mitory *

What bee is necessary to your health?
* Vitamin B *

When is a wall like a fish?
* When it is scaled *

What is a scientist's favorite candy?
* Experi-mints *

What disease do old roofs get?
* Shingles *

What can go over the water and through the water without getting wet?
* Sunlight *

What should you do in an ice storm?
* Hail a cab *

How do you change an owl into a chicken?
* Add the letter 'F' *

Why did the long distance runner go to the veterinarian?
* Because his calves hurt *

What kind of match won't light fires?
* A wrestling match *

What does a miner eat with every meal?
* Coal slaw *

Where do electricians buy supplies?
* At a factory outlet *

Can you make a fire with one stick?
* Yes, if it's a match *

What is a millionaire's favorite candy?
* Mints *

What kind of wave attacks bookstores?
* A title wave *

Where do soldiers sleep out in the open?
* In beds of flowers, under sheets of rain and blankets of fog *

What goes around the house peeking through cracks?
* The sun *

How does a little oven say hello?
* With a micro-wave *

What happens when skiers get old?
* They go downhill *

What's the quickest way to make oil boil?
* Add the letter 'B' *

What happens to hens who don't produce enough eggs?
* They get laid off *

What people do the most traveling?
* Romans *

What sports do nearsighted people play?
* Contact sports *

What disease does grass get?
* Hay fever *

Why is doing nothing so tiring?
* Because you can't stop and rest *

When is a colour fast?
* When it doesn't run *

How do you buy a bed?
* By the sack *

How do you catch celery?
* You stalk it *

What is the one thing that can stop a kid from playing with toys?
* Isn't it ap-parent *

What kind of key opens a banana?
* A monkey *

What has two wings but doesn't fly?
* A hockey team *

What boats talk too much?
* Kay-yaks *

How do you get rid of a migraine headache?
* Give it to someone else - then it's not my-graine but your-graine *

Why couldn't the puppet move?
* It needed a hand *

What is the only way a miser will swim?
* Freestyle *

What is a ship for good writers?
* Penmanship *

What do marionettes do after a show?
* Nothing – they just hang around *

What sport makes a lot of noise at night?
* Cricket *

Why did the horse leave his wife?
* She was a nag *

What happens when you annoy a clock?
* It gets ticked off *

When do you charge a new battery?
* When you can't pay cash *

How do you buy No-Name items?
* Anonymously *

What does purple do when it gets angry?
* It sees red *

What has feet and legs, and nothing else?
* Stockings *

What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks?
* A candle *

What is a moon worth?
* $1 because it has 4 quarters *

What stays where it is when it goes off?
* An alarm clock *

What do you need to play ice hockey?
* Good ice sight *

When is coffee like soil?
* When it is ground *

What vegetable comes with a free racket?
* Squash *

When things seem to go wrong, what can you always count on?
* Your fingers *

What has no fingers but wears many rings?
* A tree *

What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
* Short *

How do you buy a house?
* By the yard *

What driver doesn't need a license?
* A screwdriver *

When is water most likely to escape?
* When it's only half-tide *

What fish is used by a fencer?
* A swordfish *

When are you neither left-handed nor right-handed?
* When you are underhanded *

How do you buy men's socks?
* Through the male *

What pierces your ears without leaving a hole?
* Noise *

How do you buy a hammer?
* By the pound *

What could you get if you fell on a phonograph record?
* A slipped disc *

How do you buy a detective?
* By the case *

How do you know that a clock is hungry?
* It goes back for seconds *

How do you buy grandparents?
* By the gram *

When do the leaves begin to turn?
* The night before a test *

What loses its head every morning but gets it back at night?
* A pillow *

What can you make that no one can see?
* Noise *

What advice isn't sound?
* Silence *

What job did the kangaroo get at the nightclub?
* Bouncer *

How did the farmer find his missing cow?
* He tractor down *

What kind of shoes do dog trainers wear?
* Hush puppies *

What kind of fish has perfect pitch?
* A piano tuna *

Who does the ocean date?
* It goes out with the tide *

What grows on trees and is terrified of wolves?
* The three little figs *

What did the Dentist of the year get?
* A little plaque *

What is the best-looking geometric figure?
* Acute angle *

How do you make a breadstick?
* Use lots of glue *

When does history repeat itself?
* When you fail it the first time around *

What do you call an angle that's gotten into a car crash?
* A rectangle *

What is the largest room in the world?
* Room for improvement *

What did the cabbage Preacher say to his Church?
* Lettuce pray *

What nation always wins in the end?
* Determination *

Why isn't red happy to see purple?
* It starts to feel blue *

How should you greet a German barber?
* Herr Dresser *

What do hill people use to cook their food on?
* A mountain range *

Where does all the pepper go?
* No one nose *

Why can't it rain for two nights in a row?
* Because there is a day between *

When is a tire a bad singer?
* When it's flat *

Where does a liar sleep?
* In a bunk bed *

Where do you go if you become 'at one' with your computer?
* Nerdvana *

What two numbers multiplied together make 13?
* 1 and 13 *

Is it legal for a man in New York to marry his widow's sister?
* No - he's dead *

What does heat-dried wood do when it is bored?
* It's kiln time *

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
* Pumpkin pi *

Why did the Marxist only drink fake tea?
* Because all proper tea is theft *

What is the thinnest book in the world?
* 'What Men Know About Women' *

What do you call it when your toes have a good cry?
* Football *

What a fish's favorite music exercise?
* Playing a sea scale *

Where are ankles located?
* Overshoes *

Which is more important, the sun or the moon?
* The moon - it shines when it is dark, but the sun shines when it is light anyway *

Why did the farmer put corn in his shoes?
* To feed his pigeon toes *

Why are pianos hard to open?
* The keys are inside *

How do you learn to be a judge?
* Through trial and error *

What happens to astronauts who misbehave?
* They're grounded *

What do you call someone who likes looking at underwear?
* Short-sighted *

What do you call a woman who no longer owes any money?
* Bernadette *

What are a plumber's favorite shoes?
* Clogs *
What did the pig say after laying out in the sun all day?
* 'I'm Bacon!' *

What climbs trees without a sound and has feet that always touch the ground?
* A vine *

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
* No body *

What has to be broken before it can be used?
* An egg *

I have three eyes, all in a line. When the red one opens, all freezes. What am I?
* A traffic light *

What kind of puzzle never sits still?
* A jigglesaw puzzle *

What happened when the dry cleaner was mugged?
* He pressed charges *

What do you call a keyboard with good morals?
* An upright piano *

If you wake up in the night, what should you do for a light?
* Take a feather from the pillow - that's light enough *

Where is a sneeze usually pointed?
* Achoo *

How could you tell the tailor was tired?
* He was panting *

What kind of mail do air conditioners receive?
* Fan mail *

What kind of tea do the King and Queen drink?
* Royalty *

What person makes a living by talking to himself?
* A ventriloquist *

What is net profit?
* What a fisherman earns *

How do you make a lighthouse?
* Use balsa wood *

Where does a butcher dance?
* At a meatball *

What fish light up the sky?
* Starfish *

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
* Because it is the scenter *

Why doesn't Sweden import cattle from other countries?
* Because it keeps a good Stockholm *

What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
* A croaker spaniel *

What can you hold without touching it?
* Your breath *

What's the smartest American state?
* Alabama because it has 4 As and 1 B *

Why did the cookie cry?
* Because its mommy had been a wafer so long *
What is the best ship to have?
* Friendship *

What holes are not holes?
* Knotholes *

Which fish doesn't like to be alone?
* The grouper *

Why is getting up at five in the morning like a pig's tail?
* It's twirly *

What kind of bell doesn't ring?
* A dumbbell *

Why do farmers make good tailors?
* Because they know how to sow *

Do Cadillacs stretch?
* No, but Mercedes Benz *

What bus crossed the ocean?
* Columbus *

How do you spell “we” with two letters without using the letters W and E?
* U and I *

An electrician and a carpenter are shopping in a store. One of them is the father of the other's son.
How can this be possible?
* They are husband and wife *

What is half of infinity?
* Nity *

What has a spine but no bones?
* A book *

Why doesn't a steam locomotive like to sit down?
* Because it has a tender behind *

What's the difference between the sun and bread?
* The sun rises in the east, and the bread rises with the yeast *

How do you turn ants into undies?
* Put a P in front of them *

Where does the army keep fish?
* In a tank *

What wears a coat in winter and pants all summer?
* A dog *

How many books can you carry in an empty backpack?
* None - the backpack's empty *

What is the best exercise for losing weight?
* Pushing yourself away from the table *

How does the Joe-kster eat a computer?
* Bit by bit *

How do you serve toffee?
* In toffee tups *

Where can you sue someone for making an awful racket?
* In a tennis court *

What kind of thinking makes you the most tired?
* Wrestling with your conscience *

What trees do fortune tellers look at?
* Palms *

What is the smallest room in the world?
* A mushroom *

What's the most agile type of bat?
* An acrobat *

What can never be untied?
* A rainbow *

What do you call a rabbit that's won the lottery?
* A millionhare *

What doesn't ask questions but demands an answer?
* A ringing phone *

What part of your body is most like a baby animal?
* Your calf *

What do you call a girl who has three boyfriends named William?
* A Bill collector *

What's the difference between a banana and a bell?
* You can only peel the banana once *

What kind of cake holds water?
* Sponge cake *

What has tracks that arrive before it gets there?
* A train *

What bird is like a gulp?
* A swallow *

What bird can lift the most weight?
* A crane *

What goes through water but doesn't get wet?
* A ray of light *

What close relatives do boy robots have?
* Transisters *

What runs but doesn't have legs?
* A nose *

What kind of cake can make you froth at the mouth?
* A cake of soap *

Where do fish wash their hands?
* In the river basin *

What kind of button can't you unbutton?
* A belly button *

When does Q come before P?
* During a concert intermission *

What kind of pigeon sits down a lot?
* A stool pigeon *

Why do you have to be careful with sunrises and sunsets?
* Because day breaks and night falls *

Why can't you use Wayne Gretzky wallpaper?
* It won't go in corners *

What males give birth to cats?
* Himalayan kittens *

What driver goes around in circles?
* A screwdriver *

What kind of phone can be heard but not talked into?
* A xylophone *

What nuts remind you of vegetables?
* Peanuts *

What flies yet never goes anywhere?
* A flag *

Which airline do rich people fly?
* Billion air *

How does a British policeman keep his badge on?
* With a bobby pin *

How do you make a weather vane?
* Keep giving it compliments *

What part of the house has a heartbeat and breathes?
* The living room *

How does a person who cremates bodies make his money?
* He urns it *

What kind of clothes does a house wear?
* Address *

What word has the most letters in it?
* Mailbox *

What's an eight letter word that only has one letter in it?
* Envelope *

What is H204?
* Drinking *

What has a bottom at the top?
* Legs *

What relaxes a chess player?
* Taking a knight off *

When is the best time to milk a cow?
* When she's in the moo-d *

What did Mary have when she went out for dinner?
* Everybody knows that Mary had a little lamb *

Where was the first french fry made?
* In Grease *

How many sides does a circle have?
* Two - the inside and the outside *

What's the difference between here and there?
* The letter "T" *

What question can a person ask all day long, getting a different answer each time, yet all the answers are correct?
* What time is it? *

Why is a slippery sidewalk like music?
* If you don't C Sharp, you'll B Flat *

If all the numbers hold a race, who will win?
* Only 1 wins *

What can you say about a depressed dentist?
* That he's down in the mouth *

What flower does everyone have?
* Tulips *

You have an oil lamp, a stove and a fireplace - which do you light first?
* A match *

What pipe never smokes?
* A bagpipe *

Which books teach you how to fight?
* Scrapbooks *

Who is the thirstiest person in the world?
* The one who drinks Canada Dry *

Why is a fisherman more honest than a shepherd?
* A fisherman lives by hook and a shepherd lives by crook *

How can you get a cow into a frying pan?
* Use shortening *

What's the best way to save face?
* Keep the bottom half shut *

What goes “Mark!”?
* A dog with a hare lip *

How many sides does a house have?
* Two - inside and outside *

What can you serve but never eat?
* A volleyball *

If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
* A bagel *

What's black when clean and white when dirty?
* A blackboard *

Which two words in the English language have the most letters?
* Post Office *

What's in the middle of Paris?
* R *

What time is it when 12 dogs chase a cat?
* Twelve after one *

What do hangmen read?
* Noosepapers *

What is dark but made out of light?
* A shadow *

What type of fish do you find in a birdcage?
* A perch *

What's the difference between a hill and a pill?
* One is hard to get up, the other is hard to get down *

Why did Henry VIII put ten pins on his lawn?
* He wanted to take Anne Boleyn *

What kind of nuts have no shells?
* Doughnuts *

Who settled in the West before anyone else?
* The sun *

What stays hot in your refrigerator?
* A hot dog *

What always has its eye open but never sees anything?
* A needle *

Why is a cloud like a jockey?
* They both hold the rains *

Where do you find the most fish?
* Between the head and the tail *

A rooster sits on a barn roof. If it lays an egg, on which side will it roll off?
* Neither - roosters don't lay eggs *

What kind of salad can you make with a cantaloupe and Lassie?
* Melancholy *

What is Cole's Law?
* Mostly it's thinly sliced cabbage *

What word is always pronounced incorrectly?
* Incorrectly *

What can you put in a box that will make it lighter?
* Holes *

What bug can jump higher than a house?
* All of them - houses can't jump *

What's red and white?
* Pink *

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
* Dung *

If two's company, and three's a crowd, what are four and five?
* Nine *

How do fireflies learn their math?
* With flash cards *

Why is the sun hot?
* Because it's not cold *

What is Dracula's favorite fruit?
* Neck-tarines *

What place do worms like to visit the most?
* The Big Apple *

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
* Pilgrims *

What's the difference between a baseball player and a crazy pilot?
* One bats flies, the other flies bats *

Who was the first man in space?
* The man in the moon *

What does an envelope say when you lick it?
* Nothing - it just shuts up *

What do you call a sunburn on your stomach?
* Pot roast *

Where do frogs sit?
* On toadstools *

What paper makes you itch?
* Scratch paper *

Which flowers are the laziest?
* The ones that lie in beds *

What 4 letters does the dentist say to his patient?
* ICDK *

What's an astronaut's favorite drink?
* Gravi-tea *

Two mothers and their two daughters were fishing. They managed to catch one bass, one catfish, and one perch.
Since only three fish were caught, how is it possible that they each took home a fish?
* The fishing party consisted of three people. A grandmother, a mother and a daughter. The mother is both a mother and a daughter. *

What kind of bath can you take without water?
* A sun bath *

What's drawn by everyone without pen or pencil?
* Breath *

What doesn't get any wetter no matter how much it rains?
* The ocean *

What time is the same spelled backward or forward?
* Noon *

What kind of apple has a short temper?
* A crab apple *

What kind of star wears sunglasses?
* A movie star *

What piece of wood is like a king?
* A ruler *

What runs but never walks?
* Water *

On what kind of ships do students study?
* Scholarships *

Why did the man bring a bag of feathers to the store?
* He wanted to make a down payment *

What's the best thing to drink during a marathon?
* Running water *

What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
* A spelling bee *

When is it not civilized to play cards?
* When the Joker is wild *

What beverage is best for a golfer?
* Tea *

Why is a bride always unlucky on her wedding day?
* Because she does not marry the best man *

What is very light but can't be lifted?
* A bubble *

How many worms make a foot?
* Twelve inchworms *

What can you put in a glass but never take out of it?
* A crack *

What color is rain?
* Water color *

What kind of artist can't you trust?
* A sculptor, because he's always chiseling *

What is a dance for two containers?
* The can-can *

What turns everything around but doesn't move?
* A mirror *

On what nuts can pictures hang?
* Walnuts *

What kind of tie does a pig wear?
* A pigsty *

Why does your sense of touch suffer when you are ill?
* Because you don't feel well *

Why are cards like wolves?
* Both belong to a pack *

What carries things but does not move?
* A shelf *

Why is the sea measured in knots?
* They keep the ocean tied *

Why is a lie like a wig?
* Because it is a false hood *

What did the valedictorian of the modeling school earn?
* The highest beauty mark *

What's the difference between the rising and the setting sun?
* A day *

How do you describe a tired kangaroo?
* Out of bounds *

When is an apple like a book?
* When it is red *

What was Noah doing in the kitchen?
* Preserving pears (pairs) *

When is a black dog not a black dog?
* When he's a greyhound *

What does everyone overlook?
* Their nose *

What's the quickest way to make anti-freeze?
* Hide her clothes *

Why was the theater crying?
* The seats were all in tiers *

How does an Irish potato change its nationality?
* It gets French-fried *

What gets smaller the more you put in it?
* A hole in the ground *

What 5-letter word can you take out the 1st, 3rd & last letter, and still have the same word?
* Empty *

What kind of clothing lasts the longest?
* Underwear - it's never worn out *
What islands are known for their music?
* The Piano Keys *
What snack is served at card parties?
* Poker chips *

What do stockbrokers use to mend a broken heart?
* Ticker tape *

When is the toughest time to play horseshoes?
* When the shoes are still on the horses *

What do you call a giggling field of corn?
* Laughing stalks *

When Joe added 5 and 5 together, his answer was X. How can that be?
* He was using Roman Numerals: V + V = X *

Why is the letter 'A' like a flower?
* Because a bee comes after it *

Who is the smallest man mentioned in the Bible?
* Peter the disciple - he slept on his watch *

What word contains all of the twenty six letters?
* Alphabet *

What happens to salaries during a wage freeze?
* They are put in a snow bank *

What did the musician bring to the music store?
* A Chopin list *

What does Mother Earth use to fish?
* The North Pole *

What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish?
* Paddy 'O'Furniture *

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
* A sham rock *

Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
* Because they wear green *

When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
* When it's a French fry *

What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
* Some horse is going barefoot *

Why is an Irish river rich?
* Because it has two banks *

What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
* A Jolly Green Giant *

When is a riddle not a riddle?
* When you put a 'G' in front of it (griddle) *

Where do roses sleep?
* In a flower bed *

Which month never walks?
* March *

What is always coming up, as it is always going down?
* The sun *

What goes through a door but never goes in or out?
* A keyhole *

What room is good for making baby food in?
* A mush room *

What kind of bell never rings?
* A barbell *

Where is the best place to get a bronze body in Mexico?
* In the Yuca-tan *
How can you spell candy with two letters?
* C and Y *

What begins with T, ends in T, and is filled with tea?
* A teapot *

What do horses read to their children at bedtime?
* Pony tales *

When is an artist dangerous?
* When he draws a gun *
How can you tell the difference between trees?
* Listen to their barks *

What kind of tables do people eat?
* Vegetables *

What insect curses in a low voice?
* A locust *
What invention allows you to see through walls?
* A window *

Which number has its own day of the week?
* Two's day *

Why did the art gallery put its collection in a vault?
* To have Monet in the bank *

What can't you see that is always before you?
* The future *

What do you call a ballerina who works in a pub?
* A tap dancer *

What is in fashion but always out of date?
* The letter "F" *

Where does a peacock go to get its feathers replaced?
* To a retail store *

What does an artist use to depict blue skies?
* An air brush *

What type of flowers should you never give on Valentine's Day?
* Cauliflowers *

Who takes inventory in a restaurant?
* The lunch counter *

How did the insomniac eventually catch up on his sleep?
* He ran around his bed *

What do liars do after they die?
* Lie still *

What does it cost to repair a tire?
* A flat rate *

What has a big mouth but can't talk?
* A jar *

What word allows you to take away two letters and get one?
* Alone *

What kind of animal tells little white lies?
* An amphibian *

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
* A flat miner *

What question can you never answer “yes” to?
* Are you asleep? *

What's an IG?
* An Eskimo's house with no loo *

How do you keep a ship's crew from playing cards?
* Stand on the deck *

When is it OK to eat vegetable soup in a cracked bowl?
* When the soup has a leek in it *
What kind of bell is hard to hear?
* A decibel *

What is the definition of a pedigree?
* A diploma for a dog *

What is the #1 tourist attraction for blind people?
* The Eye Full Tower *

Where do astronauts pack their sandwiches?
* In a launch pail *

How can you tune into the sun?
* Use a sundial *

What makes less noise as its mouth gets wider?
* A river *

How can you tell if math teachers dye their hair?
* You can see their square roots *

When did the fly fly?
* When the spider spied her *

What has two legs but cannot walk, and has a seat but cannot sit?
* A pair of pants *

How do you get water into a watermelon?
* Plant it in the spring *

I weigh hundreds of pounds but you can lift me with ease. What am I?
* A scale *

When can one million become nothing?
* When the only 1 there leaves *

What falls all day yet never gets hurt?
* A waterfall *

What are the best periods in a kangaroo's life?
* The Leap Years *

What kind of umbrellas do most people carry on a rainy day?
* Wet Ones *

What do you call a hang glider's last run?
* The Final Draft *

Who only reads underground?
* Bookworms *

Where does it never rain?
* Under an umbrella *

What is bought by the yard and worn by the foot?
* Carpeting *

What kind of jacket has the most sleeves?
* A coat of arms *

Why is marriage like a violin?
* After the music stops, the strings are still attached *

When should you eat fireflies?
* When you want a light snack *

When is a river like the letter 'T'?
* When it must be crossed *

Why is the letter B hot?
* Because it makes oil boil *

What school do you have to drop out of in order to graduate?
* Parachute school *

When is a green book not a green book?
* When it's read *

How does a baby beetle get around?
* In a buggy *

I have two banks but no money. What am I?
* A river *

What has teeth but doesn't bite?
* A comb *

Where do pilots keep their money?
* In air pockets *

What cheese is made backwards?
* Edam *

Where was Solomon's temple?
* On the side of his head *

When can you take away the whole and still have some left?
* The word 'wholesome' *

I'm full of ink but can't write a word. What am I?
* A newspaper *

What can you give away and still keep?
* A cold *

What goes from side to side, and up and down, but never moves?
* A road *

What do the letters DNA stand for?
* National Dyslexics Association *

What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right hand?
* Your right elbow *

What kind of teeth can you buy for a dollar?
* Buck teeth *

What kind of train has no wheels?
* A train of thought *

What happens when the sun gets tired?
* It sets awhile *

What can you hold without touching it?
* A conversation *

What comes from a tree and fights cavities?
* A toothpick *

What is pointed in one direction and headed in another?
* A pin *

When does a driver never break the speed limit?
* When it's a screwdriver *

How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
* A buccaneer *

What do you call a jacket that goes up in flames?
* A blazer *

I talk and sing but I have no voice. What am I?
* A radio *

I have eight ribs but no body. What am I?
* An umbrella *

I have a trunk but use no gas. What am I?
* An elephant *

I have ears but can't hear. What am I?
* A cornstalk *

What works only after it's been fired?
* A rocket *

I have a deck but can't play cards. What am I?
* A ship *

I'm full of keys but can't unlock a door. What am I?
* A piano *
What cat lives in the ocean?
* An octopus *

What kind of ball should you never play football with?
* An eyeball *

What do foot doctors eat for breakfast?
* Corn flakes *

The more you have of it, the less you see it. What is it?
* Darkness *

What's the difference between a watchmaker and a jailer?
* One sells watches and the other watches cells *

What coat is put on only when it is wet?
* A coat of paint *

What did the disgruntled bricklayer do?
* He threw in the trowel *

What is heavier in warm weather than in winter?
* Traffic to the beach *

When a lady faints, what number will restore her?
* You must bring her 2 *

What's a good remedy for squeaky infants?
* Baby oil *

What has no beginning or end and nothing in the middle?
* A doughnut *

How do you make a pig fly?
* Add e-o-n to its name and it turns into a pigeon *

What is always behind time?
* The back of a clock *

Who is the thirstiest person in the world?
* The one who drinks Canada Dry *

Which tree does everybody carry in their hand?
* The palm *

What's a sign that your roof needs repair?
* Eavesdropping *

What comes in handy when you have a flat tire?
* Despair *

What goes on inside a compass?
* Needlepoint *

What overpowers you, without hurting you?
* Sleep *

What is always coming but never arrives?
* Tomorrow: when it arrives, it's today *

How much is a skunk worth?
* One scent *

What dress does everyone have but no one wears?
* An address *

What kind of key opens a casket?
* A skeleton key *

When is longhand quicker than shorthand?
* On a clock *

What grows down when it grows up?
* A duckling *

How do you make a riddle stop?
* Take away its 'r' and 'd' (idle) *

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a nun?
* A nasty habit *

Why should a clock never be put upstairs?
* It might run down and strike one *

What can be measured but has no length, width or thickness?
* The temperature *

What kind of tea helps you feel brave?
* Safety *

When is it good to lose your temper?
* When it becomes bad *

Why is a poor friend better than a rich one?
* Because a friend in need is a friend indeed *

What can be caught and heard but never seen?
* A remark *

How does a witch tell time?
* With a witch watch *

When is a sheep like a dog?
* When it has fleece *

How do you keep from dying?
* Stay in the living room *

What is brought to the table and cut, but never eaten?
* A deck of cards *

Who were the first gamblers?
* Adam and Eve - they had a paradise *

What kind of animal needs oiling?
* A mouse - it squeaks *

What is small, red, and whispers?
* A hoarse radish *

Why can't a very thin person stand up straight?
* Because he is lean *

Who is bigger, Mrs. Bigger or her baby?
* Her baby is a little Bigger *

What dog does not bark no matter what you do to him?
* A hot dog *

Almost everyone needs it, asks for it, gives it, but almost nobody takes it. What is it?
* Advice *

Why is Tiger Woods like a computer?
* They both have a hard drive *

What is easy to get into but hard to get out of?
* Trouble *

What can't you have for breakfast?
* Lunch and dinner *

What do you call someone whose name was once Lee?
* Formerly *

What's the most popular game in the toy store?
* Price tag *

What classification do Harry Potter books have?
* They're Hex Rated *

Why is a horse the most unusual eater of all animals?
* Because he eats best when there isn't a bit in his mouth *

What's the only weather you can eat?
* Chili *

What can fill a whole house and still weigh less than a tiny mouse?
* Smoke *

How do you open doors in a Royal Palace?
* With a monarchy *

How do you measure a fisherman's wealth?
* By his net worth *

What do the winners of a race lose?
* Their breath *

What's the heaviest soup?
* Wonton *

What's the easiest way to get a cat?
* Order one from a cat-alog *

What's the difference between an oak tree and a tight shoe?
* One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache *

What never stops without the letter 'S'?
* A top *

What has cities with no houses, rivers without water, and forests without trees?
* A map *

What kind of mint is deadly if thrown?
* Spearmint *

What kind of nets are in an orchestra?
* Clarinets *

What kind of shoes do you make out of bananas?
* Slippers *

There are two coins on the table totaling 35 cents.
One of them is not a quarter. What are the coins?
* One of them is not a quarter, but the other is. The 2 coins: a dime & a quarter *

What kind of food is sick all the time?
* Wheat germ *

Which side of a house gets the most rain?
* The outside *

Which bird is always out of breath?
* A puffin *