"Twas The Night Before Christmas" - Brooklyn Style

Sal Monella Tells the Story of "Twas The Night Before Christmas"

Sal Monella’s  ... ‘A Child’s Christmas in Brooklyn’ 

Twas the night before Christmas in Sheepshead Bay 
The kids was asleep, waitin’ for the big day 
The Stockings were hung by the furnace with care 
In hopes that by morning, they would all still be there 

Me and skank were gettin’ ready for bed 
I wore pajamas she had rollers on her head 
When up on the roof, I heard this big crash 
Thought it was a burglar, I was gonna kick ass 

Went out on the fire escape, looked up in the sky, 
And what did I see? This freakin’ fat guy 
With a red suit and boots that came up to his knees 
In the moonlight he looked just like Dom Deluise 

He had this big sled pulled by these reindeer 
He called one of them ‘Dancer’ so I assumed he was queer 
As he crept off the roof it became clear to me 
That this guy was lookin’ to steal my TV 

Cos’ over his shoulder he had a big sack 
He came down the stairs, while I planned my attack 
I waited a second, ’till the time it seemed ripe 
And smacked him in the head ... badda bing wit a pipe 

He fell to the floor wit a groan and a thud 
I was kinda surprised I didn't see blood 
Instead he rolled over looked me right in the eye 
When I saw who I hit I nearly started to cry 

I said ‘Ay yo, Santa, I’m sorry, aright?’ 
Not for nuthin’ he said, but this just ain't my night
I got lost in the Bronx, I ran over some nuns 
Had a near miss by Kennedy Rudolph’s got the runs 
I’m out all freakin’ night and I’m bustin’ my hump 
But I can’t continue now, not with this bump 
So do me a favor and be a real pal ... take over for me, you be Santa Claus, Sal 

I said I’m from Brooklyn ... I ain't right for the part 
But he told me that Santa Claus ... ‘Comes from the heart’. 
He made me an offer I couldn't refuse: Stop at every house Except for the Jews 
I got in the boots and stepped onto the sleigh. 
Wondering why reindeers all smelled that way 

That night I was Santa bringin’ kids joy and bliss 
And if you don’t believe me, then yo’ jingle this 
Since then I been wit him every year in the cold 
Ridin’ shotgun with Santa cos’ he’s fat and he’s old 

I’m his number one helper. I been deputized 
So on this Christmas Eve, don’t you be surprised 
If you hear a voice say really loud and abrupt 
‘Merry Christmas to all ... thanks a lot ... shut up’.