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1942 Relic Photos During WWII - Re-mastered in High Definition
DUI Tazer Arrest
Danny MacAskill's Amazing Stunt Biking Video A video of difficult biking tricks, including jumping onto spiked fences and along rooftops, has had more than 2.5m hits on YouTube in one week.
http://video.telegraph.co.uk/services/player/bcpid1137883380?bctid=21337502001
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At a session, last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."
Church Reform
A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much in the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, "Tell me, Becky, have you heard by chance what's going on in Rome?"
"No," said Mrs Finkelstein. "I haven't. What's going on in Rome?"
"A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things, decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion of Jesus."
Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows.
"Indeed? And who is responsible, then?"
"I'm not sure," said Mrs. Moskowitz. "I think they suspect the Puerto Ricans."
Good News
The doctor took Bill into the room and said, "Bill, I have some good news and some bad news."
Bill said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a rare disease after you."
A Blind Man's Sport
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him, "I am placed in the door and told when to jump."
"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
Jesus Was Jewish
Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?
A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.
Undercover Detective
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
When The Moon Hits Your Eye
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand and that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange and our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw and the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife, she gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight used a sword in a fight
That's Sa...mur...ai.
Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store.
The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange.
So, he decides to find out what's going on.
The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
Universal Law
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
A Sleeping Butt
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my ass fell asleep!"
The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria: Door to the cafeteria.
Barium: What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan: Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
D&C: Where Washington is.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than someone else.
Fibula: A small lie.
G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node: I knew it.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Damn near killed him.
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor: More than one.
Urine: Opposite of mine.
Varicose: Near by/close by.
Taking the final exam
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam.
If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.
The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.
Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Any Last Words?
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B - 4.
I - 19.
N - 38.
G - 54.
O - 72."
BINGO!
When Irish Eyes Are Smiling
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little jerk, O'Conner,' says Sean,
'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'
Conversation
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: (silent)
MAN: Uh shit!!!
Slow Golfer
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch.
While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace.
Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is.
"Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe.
Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf.
Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Joe asked "What's wrong?"
"It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
That's Like Rooting for the House in Blackjack
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Questions on the Universe and the Meaning of Life
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Golf's Lesser Known Terms
Amateur Golfer: someone who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging and once again after swinging.
Oxymoron: an easy par three.
Really Smart Dolphins
The Beauty of Greece